Últimamente siento

Que mis relaciones interpersonales son muy delicadas

Y sobretodo 

Que la gente mas cercana a. Mi

Son los que menos me conocen y los que psrecen querer dejar mi vida con mas facilidad 

Me quiero matar

Me siento muy mal 

Ya basta, Carlos.

 Me das rabia, me da rabia que pudo haber sido una conversa bien amena, 

pero tu decides ser inmaduro con la cuestión y no entender que la gente no cuenta las cosas cuando a ti te da la gana ni como a ti te da la gana, y no, no tiene que ver con la cantidad de confianza que te tenga o no, tiene que ver con mi comodidad y de como funciona mi cabeza a la hora de contar una historia, 

Si no confiara en ti igual no te cuento nada en ningun momentoc

Que a lo mejor eso es lo que debiera hacer, si tanto problema me haces cuando si te cuento las cosas,

Solo que no es ni cuando ni como tu quieres, 

Me da todavia mas rabia, que yo estaba super bien, super con los chakras alineados, toda rica, divina, feliz, y me arruinaste completamente el mood, sigo molesta y perturbada por tu culpa, y odio, detesto, que tengas ese tipo de poder sobre mi, sobretodo si lo vas a usar puro para hacerme pasar malos ratos, estoy harta de eso, que ladilla, de verdad que estaba tan bien, como para que me vinieras es escoñetar el buen mood del fin de semana

Me deprimi ese dia y ni siquiera me habia dado el bajon de la pasti, gracias por triggerearlo, si no, hubiera seguido mi dia de lo mas tranqui y rico e iniciado la semana con energia y feliz de estar viva,

But you make me wanna die, al menos asi me senti ayer, mejor que ni existo para esto mejor.

Y yo soy asi, bien extrema, que me deprimi y no hice nada en todo el dia, no comi, al final igual si pude ir al parque un rato al menos, pero vergacion no pude descansar la verdad, esa ram usada en que me hiciste molestar, en que tu estas moelsto, todo muy desagradable

Que MAS ENCIMA, cuando TU te molestas la wea es trifasica, osea no hay tregua ni excusa ni escape a la tirria que emanas, AH pero si YO me molesto, entonces soy una problematica, una exagerada, y tu no quieres drama en tu vida y que no estas ni ahi y que te deje de molestar por que no quieres nada que ver con eso, 

por que TUs sentimientos si son importantes y LOS MIOS si pueden valer verga verdad? 
A mi si se me tiene que pasar la arrechera la moelstia la tirria que me haces pasar, pero tu no puedes ni calmarte un poco para hablar conmigo,

hipocrita.

Me tienes molesta.

No quiero ni hablar contigo,

Quisiera sacarte de mi cabeza y sacar todas estos sentimientos y emociones que me hunden igual.

Decídete ademas, si quieres o no quieres algo, porque ya estoy harta de que lo quieras todo sin sacrificar nada, sin comprometerte con la causa, vete mejor, a hacer tu vida con tus excesos y tu felicidad y tu aburrimiento, no quiero que me molestes mas, si es para hacerme pasar malos ratos y arruinarme la semana.

Odio que tengas ese tipo de poder sobre mi

Lo detesto

vete a la meirda y no vuelvas, 

o mejor, deja de volver, joder, ya pues,

Y si lo haces, que no sea para destrozarme de nuevo, de joderme la existencia sabiendo que estaba tan bien con todo, 

Y ahora ando tan mal

detesto los extremos, que soy, igual, por eso lo detesto

En fin

Que ladilla

Que tirria que llevo conmigo.

 Ultimamente me he sentido mejor

he estado alineando mis chakras (?)

He establecido mejores rutinas, comido mejor, de dos a tres veces al dia, 

dormido, bueno, masomenos, se hace el esfuerzo, 

y entendi que salir a pasear al parque me hace un monton de bien y lo deberia hacer al menos 3 veces por semana como minimo, 

Descansar es improtante y la onda del self care y las rutinas, todavia mas.

Me encanta eso, me gusta cuidarme :) 

 Me sigo sintiendo muy mal estos dias

aunque me esfuerce por verle el queso a la tostada, 

haga cosas que me hagan feliz

incluso en esosmomentos me atrapo un poco bastante

no se que quiero hacer

puro dormir

me siento muy mal hoy

I don't understand

I've been eating well

I've been sleeping well

I've been taking care of my relationships

And I still wish

I wasn't here

I still want to disappear 

I even find some comfort on the idea of disappear

I bet they'd talk about me like

She always were like that 

Depressed and sad 

Or a more oblivious one

She always was happy and cheerful huh

I wish i could tell this to someone

But lately I can't find comfort in anyone

Even the people I think might help

End up making me feel worse

And all I still want, 

Is disappear 

 

He estado intentado mejorar mi vida 

He estado esforzándome por comer mejor,

No he dormido bien últimamente pero si que lo he intentado,

mas de  10 aa;os queriendo morirme y contando

auqneu hoy esd mas el bajon emocional que que de vdd no quiera existir

las drogas haha 

en una disco en pilas bese a un amigo de carlos (el sta en spa;a y ya no somos pareja pero aja igual es algo feo de hacer, aceptar el beso? well)

Y ya no me quiere hablar, y yo si, no se, creo que es algo de apego mas que que lo necesite en mi vida, aunque me guste en mi vida

a veces me pongo a pensar y no se si quiero a una persona que le digo que estoy suicida y me responde que me mate y ya, a veces me hace sentir como que si no valgo nada 

o que no quiere nada de lidiar conmigo cuando me siento asi, o no me apoyaria si caigo en el hueco de las banzos de nuevo, es, condicional, ese querer, y el mio quiza tambien deberia ser asi, aunque no me pase asi, no es lo mas sano, que las personas que quiero puedan hacer cualquier cosa conmigo y yo seguire ahi 

me gusta pensar que es amor pero quiza es dependencia, o quiza es que toy pendeja

aunque el me insista otras veces en que tengo que tener mas confianza mas iniciativa, 

hoy me dio el bajon despues de drogarme y me quiero morir igual

no se

igual le dije que me vale verga aunque no sea asi hahja  

creo que esta bien y sera bueno que no hablemos por un tiempo 

tengo que estar bien yo sola

tengo que poder disfrutar yo mi vida, y 

bueno

no se

como dice la cancion, gracias por todo lo que me ense;aste, ahora el siguiente, 

thank you, next

aunque en realidad me quiero es morir y que nadie llore mi muerte

es que simplemente no puedo hacer eso 

sssss

Estot mejorando de a poco el poder poner limites 

Me gusta eso

Aunque a los demas no tanto

Pero no me importan los demas, me importo yo misma y lo que YO necesito

Asi que esta bien

Me gusta eso

Poco a poco

A veces no duermo bien y tengo menos filtro

sometimespeopleseemlikeshiteoverall

Estab chequeando el blog y dios

He estado muy deprimida mucho tiempo

Y también puedo ser cheese AF -back when I thought that relationship could work out - 

Also nunca escribi específicamente de las horrendas experiencias cuando vivi con la familia ayala, el culto, solo de como de inútil me hacian sentir

Bueh

Hoy igual estoy sensible por que sigo pensando en lo que escribí ayer 

Is hard for me to feel loved

But I'm getting better

Every day

I'm getting  better 

Is hard for me to feel loved

I often think about shit before bed and today

As I miss very much my friends and my Aunts, my parents, my cats and all the loved I used to be surrounded by

But

I also remember that one time in my teenager years when a clean-lady was more important than my wellbeing, had developed eating disorder way before food was a general issue in the family because of the country situation, and the situation with this person being so bad (because she was also kinda raising us when we're kids too, she used to be verbally abusive, specially towards me, or at least that's how I remember it) that I refused to leave my room (she basically lived in our living room for some long tine in my teenager years) or eat because she was out there and I was so uncomfortable in my own home, and I came to a limit after insisting for like 3 months to my parents that she needed to leave, but because my mom was so comfortable because she didn't have to cook or clean or do laundry she didn't care enough about me, altho to be fair she didn't quite know I wasn't eating or leaving my room because of this situation, but it was so obvious, they just didn't pay much attention to me, they never had until I did something that was awful enough to ring all the alarms, like that time when I was around 12y/o I Started to cut myself, then they confronted me and made me cry and hide even more, to just never talk about that situation again and me just being sneakier about it, altho my friends and some classmates noticed and they knew but what could they do about it... Or the only time they made me.go to a phycologist because I liked anime and I was drawing gore,,, because that's what I was watching on the internet, idk if a 11 y/o girl should have been watching Elfen Lied, but then in my teenager years i suffered severe social anxiety, like, really severe, because I was (and kinda still am) so afraid of people because I was being bullied and I'm probably autistic so that's another level, but my mom did really not know until me at 19 gathered a lot of bravery to tell her overall about all those struggles I've had and how hard has been for me to interact in a normal way with other people and how it affects me to this day, but to be back to the story I way telling about, when I got the cleaning lady out of my house by my own actions and will I was 17 and did something quite extreme as I had a taser and I used it on her so she would fucking leave my house, she got so scared of me she never returned and I was finally relieved, idk if happy is the word but defined relieved that I didn't have to deal with her anymore, I really couldn't care less about doing house chores but my mom did and both of my parents though I was a problem and they tried to speak to me the day after, I remember that day I went to my then boyfriend's place and cried all day because my sister and mom left me really very clear that for them was more important to have that cleaning lady than my wellbeing, so when they speaked to me the day after, they told me something among the lines that I was insane that I should go again to the psychologist and I told them that I've been asking that for some time now and is unbelievable that something this awful hsd to happen for them to listen to me or just to pay me attention or to consider me and again, my wellbeing, luckily I could explain myself to my aunts and they all were so understanding I love them so much, but, that event stills haunts me to this day and is still difficult for me to feel Heard and loved and like, I matter u know, because I've been neglected and I've been beated as a child too, I've had a hard time socializing etc etc 

Sometimes it feels like I'm worth something as long as I keep the people around me happy kind of deal, when I was a teenager I wasn't like that, I were more angsty and angry and rebellious but that usually doesn't go well on the long run...

So

Yeah i was thinking about it and crying

Because I know I still have tears to let go on those events that I really haven't fully healed and even fully forgive

Oh also my sister also not only protected the cleaning lady but also punch me and fought me and I taser her as well and then I got reprimanded like if I was the one attacking her, so I hate her I'll never forgive her for that. 

So yeah

That

I started my day well

Then it got ruined by something someone told me

And I've been in bed since

I can't help to think that I'll be still do some stuff we have done together in the past and I'll always think of that whenever i go for example go eat chimichangas

Some things hurts more than the other will ever know

Some words

Some actions

Abd I know

I have hurt them too

More than I ever know

When I can't deal with something

When I feel worthless

When I feel like is better if I am not there

I scape

To whatever place is near where

I'm not there

 I've been crying non stop for the last two days

yesterday at work I had to have like 8 breaks to the bathroom to cry }

I can't do nothing without burst into tears

my life is so heavy on my shoulders that is affecting the ones I love, 

And I try not to worry them or treating them in a bad way but I'm obviously failing 

I wonder a lot if I'd better dead but there's always someone telling me not to, as if my life was worth something 

I've been trying for years for this sense of depression and intrusive thoughts to leave me alone,

I've failed in that too 

speccially the anxiety, lately feels like my heart is gonna explode at any given moment, 

I cannot keep on this high level of anxiety, is killing me 

I don't like my life

I don't like being myself 

I hate me and how I hurt and worry everyone around me 

why the fuck could i not be normal 

Wondering if i really should keep anyone by my side if all i do is hurt

Being is love is awesome

Is heart filling

But when is over

The withdraw is so horrendous that

Makes me wonder if I'd really like to fell in love again 

I need to do a lot of stuff but I don't want to get off of my bed

I'm more weight than being

Arrastro más de lo que puedo soportar

Yesterday i was feeling AWFUL, horrible

I cried at work and tbh didn't wanna do ANYTHING the rest of the day

So I took 2mg of alprazolam I slept until today

And I woke up on time without an alarm after sleeping so much

Feeling so well :) so light

Nothing bothered me in that moment

"Oh, if only I could feel like this every morning"

To wake up in a leve state, to want to stay at my bed but no problem on getting up and go to work on time :) 

I'm feeling just so okay with all today

Hopefully it will last a bit and be able to do someore work when I get home

To look for a new job as i got fired and maybe enjoy myself a bit too :)

Hopefully it will be a good day today! :)