I've been quite happy with me and my life lately!

Has been awesome achieving what I've done 

I live comfortably in Providencia, I work on a job that I mostly like 

Although I've to get really really early for it, doesn't pay that much but is okay i guess 

I've been good out s lot snd being very social

I like that, but I've come to my limit

Also, therapy has helped me a lot with my self-esteem, but I need to keep working in my boundaries because they're inexistent 

I love myself, but I wish i could follow through i. All the Situations and be consequent with what i want 

I met Araceli, she's a wonderful person :) 

I sadly miss out in her last day pf work with us 

I wanted to congratulate her and accompany her but 

Sometimes I exceed on alcoholic and drugs and couldn't follow all the way to work that day and if I want I'll look ridiculous and be crying all day

Idk why i was feeling So badly that day 

I'm still am

Well after two months of feeling the best person that ever existed, sad but thstt feeling couldn't last forever , I wish tbh 

So overall I'm doing awesomely :) 

I just need to organize better with finances and be honest with my own needs, be consequent, and I'll be fine ,

Pase una buena noche con Carlos

Me gusto mucho

Me costó mucho despertarme 

Me siento un pcpo mal pry lo ansiosa que me pone llegar tarde al trabajo

Carlosny yo tenemos nuestras diferencias but 

I don't know if thid is gonns work mid-long term, I want this to work 

I really like and enjoy being with him  the attention snd "love he gives me 

Altho i feel if thst i don't have that like

Scape in my lofe from time to time I'll just break down

He's really sweet 

I also feel bad but because of me

Just because i wsntedy rot spend more time there with him

And 

Well

yeah

Should I tell someone that yesterday I tried to kill myself

Estoy pensando y considerando muy seriamente En matatme

Killing myself

I can't keep on existing

Por primera ve en mas de 5 años me corté

Hoy tomé dos miligramo de alprazolam y medio un poquito y un poquito de hongos y voy a tomar dos vasos de mimosa y espero poderme ir a dormir pronto

Diria que ojalá no despierte pero se te voy a despertar así que ojalá que cuando despierte me sienta menos mal

i wish I could give up

If i kill myself today

. 

.

.

I'll make my parents very very sad 

And i Don't want that

.

.

I'll probably traumatize my friends

And i don't want that

.

.

.

Probably no one will find me until probably weekend when i Don't show up to work

So my corpse will be rotting for some time then

.

.

.

I'll most probably inconvenient Juan's family as i Don't think anyone else will take care of my corpse

Even th won't want, and I'll be so humiliating as i kinda hate them 

.

.

.

The solution for the two last one is that no one ever find my corpse but that's kinda difficult, doable

.

But

I still worry about the people who loves me that will be sad about it

I kinda wish it wasn't the case so o can leave without worry 

.

.

.

The alternative is always, keep on living miserable doing my best bare minimum to stay alive

As always

huy

Today i had a nightmare

It was about Fernando

I dreamed that i was meeting him for the first time again

He still was dating Veronica

And it was really awful

You see

There are wounds that heals really slowly, or never heal at all

Has been almost or maybe more than 3 years since we broke up

And i still have nightmares about it 

It still hurts someway

And I'm emotionally unavailable since we broke up, i haven't really be able to "fix myself" or to really trust anyone else again

Is kinda pathetic

Makes me sad 

I really don't need more sadness rn but 

Idk i can't control my dreams

I'll try not to think about it fot the rest fot the day

Is 5.30am after all 

I.. might be depressed

I dont wanna do anything ever 

That's it, that's all.

ESTOY CANSADA

TODO EL TIEMPO ESTOY CANSADA

AUNQUE NO HAGA NADA

NUNCA QUIERO HACER NADA ANYWAY 

I'm sorry I'm a shitty person to be around