Estoy pensando y considerando muy seriamente En matatme

Killing myself

I can't keep on existing

Por primera ve en mas de 5 años me corté

Hoy tomé dos miligramo de alprazolam y medio un poquito y un poquito de hongos y voy a tomar dos vasos de mimosa y espero poderme ir a dormir pronto

Diria que ojalá no despierte pero se te voy a despertar así que ojalá que cuando despierte me sienta menos mal

i wish I could give up

If i kill myself today

. 

.

.

I'll make my parents very very sad 

And i Don't want that

.

.

I'll probably traumatize my friends

And i don't want that

.

.

.

Probably no one will find me until probably weekend when i Don't show up to work

So my corpse will be rotting for some time then

.

.

.

I'll most probably inconvenient Juan's family as i Don't think anyone else will take care of my corpse

Even th won't want, and I'll be so humiliating as i kinda hate them 

.

.

.

The solution for the two last one is that no one ever find my corpse but that's kinda difficult, doable

.

But

I still worry about the people who loves me that will be sad about it

I kinda wish it wasn't the case so o can leave without worry 

.

.

.

The alternative is always, keep on living miserable doing my best bare minimum to stay alive

As always

huy

Today i had a nightmare

It was about Fernando

I dreamed that i was meeting him for the first time again

He still was dating Veronica

And it was really awful

You see

There are wounds that heals really slowly, or never heal at all

Has been almost or maybe more than 3 years since we broke up

And i still have nightmares about it 

It still hurts someway

And I'm emotionally unavailable since we broke up, i haven't really be able to "fix myself" or to really trust anyone else again

Is kinda pathetic

Makes me sad 

I really don't need more sadness rn but 

Idk i can't control my dreams

I'll try not to think about it fot the rest fot the day

Is 5.30am after all 

I.. might be depressed

I dont wanna do anything ever 

That's it, that's all.

ESTOY CANSADA

TODO EL TIEMPO ESTOY CANSADA

AUNQUE NO HAGA NADA

NUNCA QUIERO HACER NADA ANYWAY