i wish I could give up

If i kill myself today

. 

.

.

I'll make my parents very very sad 

And i Don't want that

.

.

I'll probably traumatize my friends

And i don't want that

.

.

.

Probably no one will find me until probably weekend when i Don't show up to work

So my corpse will be rotting for some time then

.

.

.

I'll most probably inconvenient Juan's family as i Don't think anyone else will take care of my corpse

Even th won't want, and I'll be so humiliating as i kinda hate them 

.

.

.

The solution for the two last one is that no one ever find my corpse but that's kinda difficult, doable

.

But

I still worry about the people who loves me that will be sad about it

I kinda wish it wasn't the case so o can leave without worry 

.

.

.

The alternative is always, keep on living miserable doing my best bare minimum to stay alive

As always

huy

Today i had a nightmare

It was about Fernando

I dreamed that i was meeting him for the first time again

He still was dating Veronica

And it was really awful

You see

There are wounds that heals really slowly, or never heal at all

Has been almost or maybe more than 3 years since we broke up

And i still have nightmares about it 

It still hurts someway

And I'm emotionally unavailable since we broke up, i haven't really be able to "fix myself" or to really trust anyone else again

Is kinda pathetic

Makes me sad 

I really don't need more sadness rn but 

Idk i can't control my dreams

I'll try not to think about it fot the rest fot the day

Is 5.30am after all 

I.. might be depressed

I dont wanna do anything ever 

That's it, that's all.

ESTOY CANSADA

TODO EL TIEMPO ESTOY CANSADA

AUNQUE NO HAGA NADA

NUNCA QUIERO HACER NADA ANYWAY 

I'm sorry I'm a shitty person to be around

I deeply admire all those souls that are able to get something good, useful, poetic about between all the cruelty and darkness and difficult situations of this world of ours 

life has been good lately :)

Últimamente he estado genial

Trabajo de garzona los lunes y martes, los jueves de copera, los fines de semana y feriados de recepcionista en un hostal 

Además intento hacer dinero con los sugars también

Estoy ahorrando para una computadora nueva 

Me mudé, vivo sola, en una habitación arrendada, 

Todavía tengo que resolver AFP y Fonasa 

Y ser un poco más funcional 

La vida y el futuro se ven bien, como que puedo hacer cosas 

Tengo que terminar de decidir que quiero hacer

Y mejorar un poco mis hábitos 

Ya sólo dependo de mi y nadie me cuida

Alimentarme siempre es un tema pero lo estoy logrando creo

En fin 

Por fin siento que la estoy dando hahajsjdh en general

Ahí estoy pidiendo