I..

I haven't slept well in a while
I'm not eating well since...months ago
I've parasites
I'm hurt
Physically, emotionally, mentally
I'm beyond anxious
I try my best but
Is never enough
I'm tired
I don't even know why I would keep fighting
Keep it on
Just suffering
It would be better
Everything would be better
Without me
Just say yes
Let me go
Don't you understand I'm in pain?
I don't want to be alive anymore
Have been long ago since I truly wanted to
Just let me go
I need to go
I can't keep myself like this
Let me go

Haber tenido que subir en la oscuridad
I was really scared
No había estado tan vísceralmente asustada desde hace mucho
Todo el tiempo tratando de llegar a mí habitación con un ataque de pánico constante y temblando
No sé porque me dio tanto miedo
Al menos estaba completamente sola y no pasó nada
Pero hoy no he parado de tener ataques de ansiedad y siento que me voy a morir
Hoy en la mañana no sé si me dormí y desmaye después de hiperventilar heavy
No dejo de sentir mí corazón palpitando fuerte y quisiera que se detuviera y ya
No importa lo que haga todo me sale mal
No importa que piense que hará mí vida algo más bearable o que pueda darme algo de enjoyment
No quiero vivienda drogada tampoco, esa no es una solución buena ni viable
I can't feel true joy anymore
Not if I'm sober
And not even when I'm high on anything
I'm a lost depressing case
I can't stand myself
And I think it just gonna kill myself
Not today because I don't have the physical strength to do so
But I'll
I can't live like this anymore
My existence has been turning in only pain all the time

I need to disappear

Don't want to be like this anymore
I can live like this
I've too much anxiety
I'm a piece of shit that can't do anything right
I'm a piece of shit that has failed on changing and I'm becoming that friend that is always negative, well, I am that friend
My life seems to an endless events of horrible stuff
I think I'm doing now the victim all the time
I don't want to do that
I don't want to be that
But I can't help it, incapable of really changing
I think I'm hurting those around me that love me
I'm hurting myself
I'm feeling like shit all the time
I've really tried but I can't
I've spent so much money in Instant gratification instead of saving up
I have no control over my life at this point
My solutions are only momentary
I really think everything would be better if I wasn't here anymore
I hate this kind of thinking and I can't stop them neither feeling like this
Right now I'm really panicking so fucking hard and I've no medication left
I'm afraid that I might be becoming kind of dependant of drugs because they help me to make my life bearable
I don't like that
I don't want to be a burden I don't want to hurt anymore people I love
I know I can't keep myself like this
I won't can't keep me like this for long
I should really go and die
But I don't wanna make people I love sad
But I don't want to be a burden
But I feel so fucking horrible I can't stand it anymore
I feel like I'm helpless a lost case that I'm not worthy
Even always when I do my best, things end up in a disaster o just bad ends
I'm a toxic person with a toxic relationship with myself too
I can't do anything right
I'm incapable of go out and cry for help
I'm too scared, too fucked up
I'm scared
And I Know no one can really help, even if they want to
And I appreciate the good intentions
But I always end up fucking up even more
I know they have their own problems
I even if I can't deal with mines or my life is not fair to put more weight in their lifes
Not in this hell of a country
I need to disappear

El número de entradas al año es bastante constante, lo único constante en mi vida es la depresión, bravo.

El plan no se ha dado porque soy muy pobre incluso para eso.

If I stop talking to you, will eventually forget me, just do it please so I can go now

I've been thinking...

I know I hate you
I've tried not to
But everything I think about you makes me sad or mad or uncomfortable
Even the good memories are now rotten with the reality of the situation
I can't forgive you
I feels like it was all fake because it wasn't what I thought it was
I wasn't special or unique
I'm resentful towards you
I feel bad and worst every time I think about you

Now I mostly only remember all of the bad things and you aren't here to make it any better
Even the good memories feels bad now
Like, I don't want them anymore, it feels awful

And even now I'm expecting from you what I'm giving you or more
I'm indeed expecting too much
I want you to be bold and decided, but you aren't
I wish that you weren't only words but actions too, but you aren't
I can't keep myself in promises that will never be done

I can't stop feeling like I've been wasting my time, money, effort and most importantly, my love in someone that doesn't deserve it and either way won't make an effort themselve to deserve it

Even now I know I want to give you more chances of proving me wrong

But when I've said I'll never talk to you again and you mostly agree, like you won't fight it or care, even if you say so your actions aren't showing it, it makes me realize that maybe is not worth it
So I think I should do it
But I don't want to
But I should

I don't want to because it will not make me any happier, but maybe I could stop making myself feel bad for things that doesn't matter now, and not making you feel bad for that either
I'm remembering it all when I feel bad for my current situation and I don't want that either, stop talking to you might or might not help

I keep searching for reasons to keep talking to you
That you say you care for me isn't enough, I've got people that care and doesn't make me feel awful 
That you say you love me isn't enough either if you can't make me feel loved
I'm still searching for reasons

I really hope you've something meaningful to say about this
Because if not I'll cry a lot and let you go, even if I deeply don't want that

Because I don't want to blame you anymore or feel bad myself about this anymore

I'm also not sure if this might be my old defense mechanism talking and making me isolated to deal with stuff

I just
Only want to
Not feel bad
And I can't

When I feel good I don't feel the need of writing you and I might not do it much
But I deeply prefer to talk to you because I want to rather than because I feel like I need you

Anyway...