I need to disappear

Don't want to be like this anymore
I can live like this
I've too much anxiety
I'm a piece of shit that can't do anything right
I'm a piece of shit that has failed on changing and I'm becoming that friend that is always negative, well, I am that friend
My life seems to an endless events of horrible stuff
I think I'm doing now the victim all the time
I don't want to do that
I don't want to be that
But I can't help it, incapable of really changing
I think I'm hurting those around me that love me
I'm hurting myself
I'm feeling like shit all the time
I've really tried but I can't
I've spent so much money in Instant gratification instead of saving up
I have no control over my life at this point
My solutions are only momentary
I really think everything would be better if I wasn't here anymore
I hate this kind of thinking and I can't stop them neither feeling like this
Right now I'm really panicking so fucking hard and I've no medication left
I'm afraid that I might be becoming kind of dependant of drugs because they help me to make my life bearable
I don't like that
I don't want to be a burden I don't want to hurt anymore people I love
I know I can't keep myself like this
I won't can't keep me like this for long
I should really go and die
But I don't wanna make people I love sad
But I don't want to be a burden
But I feel so fucking horrible I can't stand it anymore
I feel like I'm helpless a lost case that I'm not worthy
Even always when I do my best, things end up in a disaster o just bad ends
I'm a toxic person with a toxic relationship with myself too
I can't do anything right
I'm incapable of go out and cry for help
I'm too scared, too fucked up
I'm scared
And I Know no one can really help, even if they want to
And I appreciate the good intentions
But I always end up fucking up even more
I know they have their own problems
I even if I can't deal with mines or my life is not fair to put more weight in their lifes
Not in this hell of a country
I need to disappear