I've been thinking...

I know I hate you
I've tried not to
But everything I think about you makes me sad or mad or uncomfortable
Even the good memories are now rotten with the reality of the situation
I can't forgive you
I feels like it was all fake because it wasn't what I thought it was
I wasn't special or unique
I'm resentful towards you
I feel bad and worst every time I think about you

Now I mostly only remember all of the bad things and you aren't here to make it any better
Even the good memories feels bad now
Like, I don't want them anymore, it feels awful

And even now I'm expecting from you what I'm giving you or more
I'm indeed expecting too much
I want you to be bold and decided, but you aren't
I wish that you weren't only words but actions too, but you aren't
I can't keep myself in promises that will never be done

I can't stop feeling like I've been wasting my time, money, effort and most importantly, my love in someone that doesn't deserve it and either way won't make an effort themselve to deserve it

Even now I know I want to give you more chances of proving me wrong

But when I've said I'll never talk to you again and you mostly agree, like you won't fight it or care, even if you say so your actions aren't showing it, it makes me realize that maybe is not worth it
So I think I should do it
But I don't want to
But I should

I don't want to because it will not make me any happier, but maybe I could stop making myself feel bad for things that doesn't matter now, and not making you feel bad for that either
I'm remembering it all when I feel bad for my current situation and I don't want that either, stop talking to you might or might not help

I keep searching for reasons to keep talking to you
That you say you care for me isn't enough, I've got people that care and doesn't make me feel awful 
That you say you love me isn't enough either if you can't make me feel loved
I'm still searching for reasons

I really hope you've something meaningful to say about this
Because if not I'll cry a lot and let you go, even if I deeply don't want that

Because I don't want to blame you anymore or feel bad myself about this anymore

I'm also not sure if this might be my old defense mechanism talking and making me isolated to deal with stuff

I just
Only want to
Not feel bad
And I can't

When I feel good I don't feel the need of writing you and I might not do it much
But I deeply prefer to talk to you because I want to rather than because I feel like I need you

Anyway...