El número de entradas al año es bastante constante, lo único constante en mi vida es la depresión, bravo.

El plan no se ha dado porque soy muy pobre incluso para eso.

If I stop talking to you, will eventually forget me, just do it please so I can go now

I've been thinking...

I know I hate you
I've tried not to
But everything I think about you makes me sad or mad or uncomfortable
Even the good memories are now rotten with the reality of the situation
I can't forgive you
I feels like it was all fake because it wasn't what I thought it was
I wasn't special or unique
I'm resentful towards you
I feel bad and worst every time I think about you

Now I mostly only remember all of the bad things and you aren't here to make it any better
Even the good memories feels bad now
Like, I don't want them anymore, it feels awful

And even now I'm expecting from you what I'm giving you or more
I'm indeed expecting too much
I want you to be bold and decided, but you aren't
I wish that you weren't only words but actions too, but you aren't
I can't keep myself in promises that will never be done

I can't stop feeling like I've been wasting my time, money, effort and most importantly, my love in someone that doesn't deserve it and either way won't make an effort themselve to deserve it

Even now I know I want to give you more chances of proving me wrong

But when I've said I'll never talk to you again and you mostly agree, like you won't fight it or care, even if you say so your actions aren't showing it, it makes me realize that maybe is not worth it
So I think I should do it
But I don't want to
But I should

I don't want to because it will not make me any happier, but maybe I could stop making myself feel bad for things that doesn't matter now, and not making you feel bad for that either
I'm remembering it all when I feel bad for my current situation and I don't want that either, stop talking to you might or might not help

I keep searching for reasons to keep talking to you
That you say you care for me isn't enough, I've got people that care and doesn't make me feel awful 
That you say you love me isn't enough either if you can't make me feel loved
I'm still searching for reasons

I really hope you've something meaningful to say about this
Because if not I'll cry a lot and let you go, even if I deeply don't want that

Because I don't want to blame you anymore or feel bad myself about this anymore

I'm also not sure if this might be my old defense mechanism talking and making me isolated to deal with stuff

I just
Only want to
Not feel bad
And I can't

When I feel good I don't feel the need of writing you and I might not do it much
But I deeply prefer to talk to you because I want to rather than because I feel like I need you

Anyway...

En diciembre traté de pasarla bien
Hice varias cosas con amigos
Trabaje
Comi rico
Me compré un montón de cosas cuquis y lindas y ajá
Todo para no sentirme mal
Pero heme aquí sintiendome lo más miserable y horrible que me he sentido en mi vida
No dejo de tener ansiedad, me da mínimo un ataque heavy Al día
De verdad que ya no puedo
I'm gonna kill myself

Lo voy a intentar again, con pastillas pero esta vez bien, serio
Todo bien pensado
Si no funcionan las pastillas tomaré más y me lanzaré del techo del edificio
Total
Así ya no sufrire
Ni molestaré ni haré sufrir más a nadie tampoco

A todas estas soy yo la que le terminé tratando como la mierda (que es) y sacándolo de algunas de mis redes para darme cuenta de que igual ya ni me seguía en ninguna
Me siento como que da igual
Que nunca le importé ni le voy a importar y que es mejor así porque me iré sin joder más
O al menos eso intentaré

Ya luego cuando tenga todo listo dejaré una nota en físico, una por acá, y una en Reddit (la misma pero en diferentes lados, just in case)

El plan es:
Pepas
Alcohol
Pizza
Helado y chocolate
Fumar

Y ya

todas la infidelidades
me siento horrible
de verdad pensé muchas cosas buenas de él, fui muy inocente
siento que en todo el transcurso me perdí,
perdí muchas cosas de mi

ahora me toca volver a buscarlas
ahora no se coo no desesperar
y peor
todavía lo amo
me quiero morir

al meos ya no está en el país y no es como que pueda relamente recaer
el la ando pasando decente, bien para mis estandares
que injusto todo
y yo en este hueco, ella también
 sigo jalando bolas
   y sigo hablandole de cada pequeña cosa que me pasa

al menos hoy me bañe, y eso me hizo sentir un poco mejor
ahora buscare musica o algo para escuchar
ahora trataré de no desesperar
todo me da ansiedad
todo
todo
I'm going crazy

I feel so bad I don't want to do anything today, or ever.
I feel so bad I just want to stay in bed all day.

I'm a contradiction 'cose I need to be productive to feel good but still I don't want to do anything and I feel bad and Is a cycle.

I try not to feel bad about the way I am making money, like I really need it and doesn't change the fact that I'm in love with him and I'm so afraid sometimes that he will hate me for it, even when i know he won't I'm still a little paranoid about it. I don't want him feel bad tho.

Sometimes I want to stop existing, everything is so fucking difficult.