Is hard for me to feel loved

I often think about shit before bed and today

As I miss very much my friends and my Aunts, my parents, my cats and all the loved I used to be surrounded by

But

I also remember that one time in my teenager years when a clean-lady was more important than my wellbeing, had developed eating disorder way before food was a general issue in the family because of the country situation, and the situation with this person being so bad (because she was also kinda raising us when we're kids too, she used to be verbally abusive, specially towards me, or at least that's how I remember it) that I refused to leave my room (she basically lived in our living room for some long tine in my teenager years) or eat because she was out there and I was so uncomfortable in my own home, and I came to a limit after insisting for like 3 months to my parents that she needed to leave, but because my mom was so comfortable because she didn't have to cook or clean or do laundry she didn't care enough about me, altho to be fair she didn't quite know I wasn't eating or leaving my room because of this situation, but it was so obvious, they just didn't pay much attention to me, they never had until I did something that was awful enough to ring all the alarms, like that time when I was around 12y/o I Started to cut myself, then they confronted me and made me cry and hide even more, to just never talk about that situation again and me just being sneakier about it, altho my friends and some classmates noticed and they knew but what could they do about it... Or the only time they made me.go to a phycologist because I liked anime and I was drawing gore,,, because that's what I was watching on the internet, idk if a 11 y/o girl should have been watching Elfen Lied, but then in my teenager years i suffered severe social anxiety, like, really severe, because I was (and kinda still am) so afraid of people because I was being bullied and I'm probably autistic so that's another level, but my mom did really not know until me at 19 gathered a lot of bravery to tell her overall about all those struggles I've had and how hard has been for me to interact in a normal way with other people and how it affects me to this day, but to be back to the story I way telling about, when I got the cleaning lady out of my house by my own actions and will I was 17 and did something quite extreme as I had a taser and I used it on her so she would fucking leave my house, she got so scared of me she never returned and I was finally relieved, idk if happy is the word but defined relieved that I didn't have to deal with her anymore, I really couldn't care less about doing house chores but my mom did and both of my parents though I was a problem and they tried to speak to me the day after, I remember that day I went to my then boyfriend's place and cried all day because my sister and mom left me really very clear that for them was more important to have that cleaning lady than my wellbeing, so when they speaked to me the day after, they told me something among the lines that I was insane that I should go again to the psychologist and I told them that I've been asking that for some time now and is unbelievable that something this awful hsd to happen for them to listen to me or just to pay me attention or to consider me and again, my wellbeing, luckily I could explain myself to my aunts and they all were so understanding I love them so much, but, that event stills haunts me to this day and is still difficult for me to feel Heard and loved and like, I matter u know, because I've been neglected and I've been beated as a child too, I've had a hard time socializing etc etc 

Sometimes it feels like I'm worth something as long as I keep the people around me happy kind of deal, when I was a teenager I wasn't like that, I were more angsty and angry and rebellious but that usually doesn't go well on the long run...

So

Yeah i was thinking about it and crying

Because I know I still have tears to let go on those events that I really haven't fully healed and even fully forgive

Oh also my sister also not only protected the cleaning lady but also punch me and fought me and I taser her as well and then I got reprimanded like if I was the one attacking her, so I hate her I'll never forgive her for that. 

So yeah

That